He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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