Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
