I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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