seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
