thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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