he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
