Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
