...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
