Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
