gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
