so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
