What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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