Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am spending my child support on dildos
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
