I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
