New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
