I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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