"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
