the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
