But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
