Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
