he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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