I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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