it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
