I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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