So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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