i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
