how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
