He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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