I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My hand turned me down
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I supernannyed him into submission
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
