Just took my morning after pill in the library
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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