i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
