i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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