i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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