hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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