she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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