And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
