you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
