I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize