I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I understand Curling. That high.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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