I faked an abortion last night.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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