I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
