I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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