why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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