Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
