I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
