you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
