a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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