When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
