I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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