Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
