My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize