I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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