Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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