I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just tell him i said nine months
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
