My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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