I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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