I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
