sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There's always time for handjobs
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
