Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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