Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize